We had our baby. Everything went great, and I’ll be posting baby pics here soon. In the meantime, I’m running guest posts by awesome people, while Kim and I try to figure out how to be parents and live on zero sleep.
Today’s guest post is brought to you by one of my favorite people, Rob Shepherd of RobShep.com. Rob is also the pastor of a new, awesome and thriving church called Next Level Church in Newport News, VA. Check out his blog HERE. Follow him on Twitter HERE.
Also, today was my first day back in the blogging saddle over at TV Asylum. Check out my latest “Breaking Bad” recap HERE. (Available at TV Asylum around 1:00 p.m. ET)
|Photo used courtesy of Creative Commons user Lester Public Library
Hopefully, if you are a new parent, you aren’t winging it. Hopefully, you’ve read a book or five and sought some advice from parents who didn’t raise psycho billy hose beasts. Even with some great research there are some things that you might not be prepared for. The following is a survival guide for the first few months of being a parent:
I. Sleep when they sleep. Babies don’t know how to sleep for long periods of time. That means that they wake up often and angry. You will think it’s not that bad at first, but after a few weeks of no sleep, you will be a broken man. The key is to sleep when they sleep. I know it’s tempting to catch up on TV, but don’t. I don’t care if it’s 9 a.m. or 7 p.m., if that little padawan sleeps, you snuggle up with your teddy bear and catch up on some zzzz’s.
II. Become a professional competitive eater. Your kid will have the amazing ability to start crying the exact moment you sit down to eat. Your food will then get cold, and this will go on for months. Unless you learn to eat like Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut.
III. Go check on your kid after you wake up in a panic. Being a new parent, you will wake up in a sweat-inducing panic because your baby is silent. You will then toss and turn trying to convince yourself that your baby is okay. This will go on for minutes, until you finally go check on your baby. This is natural. The second you wake up, don’t fight the urge. Just go check on your kid. It will get you back to sleep quicker.
IV. Close your mouth when you change his diaper. He will wait to pee until his diaper is open and you have exposed your face. It’s bad but it will be worse if you forget to close your mouth at all times.
V. Download some white noise. On those days where it’s 4:00 a.m. and your son is attempting to connect with life on other planets by yelling at the top of his lungs, you will appreciate this one. I don’t know why, but babies like white noise. It helps lower their booming scream and lulls them to sleep.
VI. Find a copy of the baby ninja. Okay he never calls himself that, but that’s what he is. The video is called The Happiest Baby On The Block, and his methods are crazy, but they work. I had my doubts while watching the video, but it worked on both my kids.
VII. Say yes to every person that wants to bring you a meal. There is a chance that you will have way too much food, and you will be tempted to decline some people’s offers. Just know the food is like MC Hammer’s money: It pours in at first, but dries up quickly. Once the food dries up, you have to start cooking it yourself. You will be too tired and consider eating baby formula.
VIII. Baby formula is gross. There is no need to try it. It’s gag nasty. And yes, I tried it.
IX. Don’t get used to anything. Right when you think you’ve got this baby thing down, they grow teeth. When this happens, it’s like your kid is “Hulking out.” It’s so brutal that it changes their poo.
X. Date your spouse.
One of the easiest things to forget about, after the kid is born, is the romancing of your spouse. The Bible says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24. The way I see it, the goal of parenting, according to this verse, is to raise your kids to leave. Even though your kid will be really cute, you don’t want him still living with you when he’s 45. You will raise him to leave and be an independent adult. When that happens you don’t want your spouse to be a stranger. Make it a priority to date your spouse even when your son is a baby.
Thanks to Rob for his awesome guest post. Don’t forget to check out my latest “Breaking Bad” recap at TV Asylum — HERE.